She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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