our cab driver is having phone sex.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I supernannyed him into submission
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
