I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
