I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize