If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
