I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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