My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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