no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize