Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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