the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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