Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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