i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize