i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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