At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
