Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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