I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
