Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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