I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize