Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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