so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
