I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
