I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
