The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
