twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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