I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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