listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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