Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
