Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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