did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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