Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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