We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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