I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
