i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
