When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
