**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
