one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
