hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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