I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
