I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
