My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
