TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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