Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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