Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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