I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
