Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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