I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
