Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
