WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
