i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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