I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
