Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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