Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
