I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
