And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
