I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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