I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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