so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
