my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize